The Bourne Identity...Shaken, Not Stirred
by Lady Daendre
Summary: A hilarious rendition of the new-ish movie. Just think what happens at about 2 AM and you suddenly have the urge to cross a hit movie with every other movie humanly possible. This happens to be the result.


Title: The Bourne Identity...Shaken, not Stirred  
  
Author: Sparkling Diamond Satine  
  
Summary: This is what happens after sitting in a dark movie theatre watching Matt Damon and drooling. It's pretty much using the basis of the movie "The Bourne Identity", but crossing it with every movie I could think of.  
  
Disclaimer: If you really think I own any copyrights to these things...HAH you need a life!!  
  
Rating: PG-13 (because the original movie was rated that and I used mostly PG-13 movies I think...)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Once upon a time there was a very good-looking Jedi Knight. No, not Obi- Wan, and no, NOT Anakin. This good-looking Jedi Knight resembled a certain dude in a certain movie that a certain author has just seen. Yes, this Jedi Knight was Jason Bourne, but he didn't know he was a Jedi Knight.  
  
Okay, now that that's out of the way, and the author is very, very confused, she will try to confuse you even more with the events that Jason Bourne has dealt with while trying to remember who he is.  
  
"There was a boy...a very strange amnesiac boy...no that sounds too familiar," a certain aforementioned Jedi Knight started singing. "I've got to learn how to not sing...I think it's getting on people's nerves."  
  
You see, this Jedi Knight has found himself floating face down near an island on the very boring planet of Earth. He washed ashore and was trying to figure out why he randomly breaks out into song.  
  
"Wilson, what do you think?" he asked a random volleyball.  
  
"I think you need a life," some random person said from a very random boat. He looked up at the boat and sang once again. "Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?"  
  
"Eh, you're a Jewel fan, are ya?" the Cap'n asked. "My name's Cap'n Crunch, come on aboard, lad."  
  
"I'm not quite sure who I am...you see I randomly washed up on shore without any identification, and I can't remember my name or how I ended up in the water in the first place," the Jedi Knight said.  
  
"Well, that's quite all right, I'll take you back to New York, ya can't go wrong there! Arrrr!" the Cap'n said.  
  
"Hmm....thanks Cap'n Crunch!" he said.  
  
"Don't thank me, I'm heading there, anyway!" he said, and started fingering his white mustache.  
  
"Hey what's that in your back...it looks like two bullet marks...here let the Cap'n take a look at ya," the Cap'n said, taking out a magnifying glass and a bullet remover kit.  
  
Ten minutes later, the Cap'n had taken out a bullet and a very strange probe thing that resembled a laser pointer. When pointed at the wall, one could read the following:  
  
I HATE CHEESE  
  
"Hmm.I guess I didn't like cheese too much," the Jedi Knight said.  
  
"No wait...there's something else...it says, 'My name is Jason Bourne and I'm a Jedi Knight. If you find me please bring me back to New York," the Cap'n said.  
  
"Well isn't that convenient!" Jason said. "Hmm.my name must be Jason Bourne.and I must be from New York!"  
  
Hours later.days later.even weeks later, the ship finally made it's way to the Statue of Liberty, where Jason Bourne, the very good-looking Jedi Knight, got off and made his way through the maze of apartment buildings and shops.  
  
He entered the building that matched the address that was in the probe on his back, and made his way through the maze of doors in the lobby. One such door appeared to be the apartment building he was living in. He entered right through and saw an interesting man wearing makeup.  
  
"Hey man, aren't you Jason Bourne? I'm Alice Cooper." the mysterious makeup-wearing man said.  
  
"Wha.Alice Cooper? We-I mean.I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!" Jason said, kneeling down as if he were bowing down to God.  
  
"That's okay.you're apartment is up one more floor," Alice Cooper said, as James was leaving. "And don't forget.the meaning of life is that, "There is no sexy way to chew gum!"  
  
Jason nodded, confused, and took the stairs up to his apartment. He was surprised to see a woman was already inside it. This woman had red hair with streaks of blonde highlights. She wore a sexy black outfit that only evil spies could possibly wear, and she had a utility belt containing interesting-looking weapons.  
  
"H.Who are you?" Jason asked. "What are you doing in my apartment?"  
  
"The name's Jackie Gerner. I was sent to help you move back in. I am the only one that knows the truth," Jackie said.  
  
"And what is the truth?" Jason asked. "Come on.I want the truth!"  
  
"You want the truth?? You can't HANDLE the truth!" Jackie shouted.  
  
Jason pouted and looked very sad because that was all he could think of, and it was close enough to seduction that Jackie was powerless against it.  
  
"All right.the truth is that a bunch of angry Sith lords are after you. Why? I don't know.the only thing I do know is that.well.the only thing I know.is that.oh hell I don't know much," Jackie confessed.  
  
"Hey, what are those weapons dangling from your waist?" Jason asked, pointing at the utility belt.  
  
"Oh, this is a lightsaber.you have one in here somewhere.but I suggest you wait until you remember how to use it before igniting it.could get nasty. And this is a handy blaster.I only use it in emergency situations where lightsabers could.well.kill ya," Jackie said.  
  
"I see.well why use that lightsaber when I've got one right here?" he asked.and he was disgustingly pointing down below.  
  
Jackie covered her face with her hands, and shook her head. "Because, I doubt that the lightsaber you speak of could cut through anything.I hope not 'cuz you'd have a tough time trying to pick up a girl."  
  
"Well.okay you got me there. Anyway, tell me where the lightsaber is.I surprisingly think I know how to use it," Jason said. "And do you have any Advil? I've got a splitting headache!"  
  
Jackie took out a thing of Advil and tossed it to him. She also took out a safety box underneath the bed that had loads of money, lots of passports from random countries, and a lightsaber.  
  
"Don't ask me about any of the other stuff, I'm only sure of why you have the lightsaber," Jackie said. "Oh and are you SURE you remember how to use a lightsaber? I wouldn't want to see you with a.mauled.hand.."  
  
Jason threw up his hands in submission and took the lightsaber. He ignited it and pretended to be dueling with an imaginary foe. Strangely enough, he seemed to recall a lot about how to use a lightsaber. Imagine that.  
  
"Hey.you look familiar now! You look like that dude.from the movie "Dogma".or was it "Good Will Hunting? Are you an angel?" Jackie asked.  
  
Jason raised an eyebrow and stared blankly at Jackie. "Um.no? Hey.we should probably get out of here. Whoever you said was chasing after me might know I lived here."  
  
"Good idea, let's take my car, it's actually an invisible one, so they won't be able to see us at all," Jackie said.  
  
"How convenient!" Jason said.  
  
The two sped away into the sunset and were never seen in the strange apartment building again.  
  
~*~  
  
End: Chapter 1 


End file.
